Last Updated on May 1, 2026 by admin
If your cat had Spotify Wrapped, the data would be brutal. Honest. A little embarrassing for both of you.
It would also be the only Mother’s Day card she’s ever going to make you.
Most-played sound
The can opener. Three thousand two hundred and forty-seven plays. She has it memorized. She knows the difference between you opening a can of beans and you opening a can of her beans, and she only sprints for one of them.
Top vibe
Suspicious. Seventy-one percent of her year was spent suspicious. Of the vacuum. Of the new throw pillow. Of you, briefly, after you came home smelling like a dog.
Most-listened wake-up call
6:14 a.m. Same minute, every morning. She does not believe in daylight saving time. She does not believe in weekends. She believes in breakfast.
Hours logged on your lap
1,834. That’s about five hours a day, average. More if you were sad. More if you were sick. She kept track, even if you didn’t.
Hours logged ignoring you
7,892. She wants you to know this is not personal. She is contractually obligated to ignore you 90% of the time. It is in her cat union agreement.
Top three locations
- The exact spot of sunlight, which moves throughout the day and which she is required to chase.
- Your laptop keyboard, but only when you have a deadline.
- The one cardboard box that you specifically bought a $40 cat bed to replace.
Words she learned this year
Three. Treat. Vet. And her own name, which she pretends not to know, but reacts to anyway when you whisper it in another room.
Top emotional moment
The night you cried on the bathroom floor and she came in and sat down next to you. She didn’t do anything. She didn’t have to. She just stayed.
She’d put that as her #1 if she could. She wouldn’t even rank the can opener over it.
What she’d actually say, if she had a pen
Something like this:
I know I’m difficult. I know I knock things off the counter. I know I yowl at 4 a.m. for no reason a vet has ever been able to identify.
But you fed me every day. You kept the water bowl full even when you forgot lunch. You held me when I went to the vet and told the vet I was a good girl, even though you and I both know I was not.
You are my person. I picked you. I’d pick you again.
Happy Mother’s Day, Mom.
You will not get a Hallmark card from her. You will not get flowers, or brunch, or a hand-drawn macaroni picture from kindergarten.
You will get her, on your lap, on a Sunday morning in May, watching the same patch of sunlight she always watches, purring exactly the way she always purrs.
That’s the card. That’s the whole card.