Last Updated on May 1, 2026 by admin
If your cat had to apply for the job of being your cat — formal application, references, the whole thing — here’s the resume she’d hand in.
It would be devastating. It would also be hired in two seconds.
The Resume
Name: [Redacted, you call her something embarrassing in private]
Position Sought: Sole Domestic Cat
Years of Service: 7 (and counting)
Compensation Expected: Tuna. The good kind. Not the cheap one.
Professional Experience
Senior Wake-Up Specialist — Daily, 5:47 a.m.
Delivered 2,847 unsolicited dawn alarms over the course of employment. Method: paw to face, escalating to nose-bumping, escalating to standing on chest. Zero sick days. Zero late starts. The bird outside is on a schedule and someone has to alert management.
Independent Treats Auditor
Personally inspected ~14,000 treats over the contract period. Verified that the human is, in fact, opening the correct cabinet. Filed approximately 9,300 formal complaints when the cabinet was the wrong one. Complaints were vocalized at 6:14 a.m. and lasted until resolved.
Lap Compliance Officer
Logged 1,834 hours seated directly on the human’s legs during this employment period. Sat on her laptop 412 times when she tried to work instead. Flopped dramatically on her chest 57 times when she tried to read instead. Successfully demonstrated that her primary purpose is, in fact, to be a piece of furniture for me.
Hair Distribution Coordinator
Distributed an estimated 38 ounces of fur across all clothing, all couches, and one (1) wedding dress. Project ongoing.
Skills & Competencies
- Concern logging — flagged: thunderstorms, the vacuum, the mailman, that one cabinet, the new rug, you carrying a tote bag, sudden silence
- Surveillance — capable of 16 hours of bathroom-door observation per 24-hour cycle
- Conflict resolution — knocked over 11 glasses to make a point, point received in 100% of cases
- Crisis response — appeared next to the human within 4 seconds of any cry, sneeze, or sigh, no exceptions
References Available Upon Request
The can opener. The vet (she will say things, ignore her). The neighbor’s dog (he will say more things, ignore him too).
Personal Statement
I do not require parental leave. I do not require holidays. I do not require a 401(k), a thank-you card, or a Mother’s Day flower arrangement.
I require you. In the chair. With your hand on the back of my head.
That is the entire job description. I have done it perfectly for 7 years and I intend to do it for the rest of mine.
To Whom It May Concern
This Mother’s Day, the cat in your house wants you to know something she will never say out loud.
You got the job. You always had it.
You are the woman she chose, every morning at 5:47, for as long as she has known what choosing meant.
Happy Mother’s Day to every cat mom who has ever signed her own card from the cat. The cat noticed. She always notices.
🐾